


Last Resort

by wonker8



Category: Avengers Movie-verse
Genre: 2nd POV, AU-verses, Aaaaannnnngggggsssssttttttt!!!, Gen, Last Resort, Time Travel, decending into maddness, lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-20
Updated: 2012-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonker8/pseuds/wonker8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To prevent Agent Coulson's death, one Clint Barton travels through time to achieve the perfect ending... Too bad time travel never ends happily, especially when one Trickster God is against you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Resort

**Author's Note:**

> This was moved from my ff.net account to here. The idea for this story was a suggestion from snowwinter486 (ff.net user), who helped me bounce some of the ideas around. I'm basing this story heavily on the ideas of the movie _Butterfly Effect_ , Vocaloid's "Heat-Haze Days (Kagerou Days)," and a Korean webcomic called "Metronome." However, there will be no crossovers or any spoilers of any in this story. If you ever get the chance though, check them out; they'll be worth it.
> 
> Key Point to Know: Time Slip is the ability that I give Clint in this story. This is pretty much Evan Treborn's power in _Butterfly Effect_ , and in short can be described as the ability to go back in time and inhibit his younger self's body. Basically unlimited time travel to your childhood (or potentially future).
> 
> Also, title and lyrics come from "Last Resort" by Papa Roach.  
> 

_Cut my life into pieces._

It isn't supposed to be like this. Ask anyone. They'll all be able to tell you that this isn't how the story is supposed to go, how the song is supposed to be sang. They'll be able to tell you the things that were wrong. The mistakes that should be fixed.

If only you hadn't fallen into Loki's power and betrayed everyone. If only the Avengers hadn't gotten into an angry argument that solved nothing. If only Fury hadn't kept silent and been honest from the beginning. If only Bruce hadn't lost his patience and turned green. If only Phil didn't challenge Loki alone. If only you hadn't been the best marksman in the world. If only you guys had been faster. If only, if only, if only…

If only they could fix it.

You know you can.

Of courses you know. How can you not? The power tingles at the tips of your fingers, tempting, tugging. Of all the things in the universe, it's the one thing that you kept silent from Loki. It's the one thing in the world that no one must know. Because once they know, you'll be locked up again, just like Banner. And the last thing you want is to be prodded and poked because that sucks. Because you don't want people to know that you're a monster.

But you know what you are. And sometimes, you think that Natasha guesses that something's not quite right with you. But she never speaks up, because she thinks that she still owes you. What a stupid thought. She's long ago repaid you. But she never speaks. She just watches you carefully, eyes soft and worried.

You don't want to worry her anymore, but you can't take this. There are discreet whispers behind your back. The worried glances at one another when they think you aren't looking. The mistrust is clear in everyone's faces. People keep telling you, lying with a damning smile on their faces, "It's not your fault."

You know the truth.

You know what you have to do. So while people are getting ready for Coulson's funeral (it's not like you were planning to go anyways), you get ready to leave. You can't bring anything, but you have to prepare yourself mentally. You haven't used this power in over a decade. So carefully, you focus yourself. Tell yourself that you're going to make things right. Because that's what you're going to do. You're not going to mess it up this time.

With eyes closed, you allow the blissed darkness of Time Slip to take you when you need to go.

_I've reached my last resort._

You wake up at the base. The Tesseract is misbehaving. You're in your nest, huddled into yourself, watching the cube as it pulses. You purse your lips and ignore Fury's command to come down. You insist that you can see just fine from here. Then while everyone is distracted, you reach behind you and ready your bow and arrows.

With a flash of blue, he's there. Loki.

Before any words can be exchanged, you ready your arrow and fire. Loki easily catches the arrow, just like before, but just like before, he doesn't anticipate for it to blow up in his face. Fury is yelling at you. Something about standing down, but you're busy. You can't dare get distracted. You have to take Loki down now. Now before anything can happen. Now before anything goes wrong. You fire another arrow at Loki.

What you don't expect is for Loki to disappear so suddenly and reappear behind you. Your mind screams expletives as the familiar feeling of fucking servitude returns, and all you want is to die, to pull out your hair. Because you did it wrong again. Because you changed absolutely nothing.

You still end up as Loki's slave. Loki's army still attacks New York. There's massive destruction and there's even more death. Gods, the dead! Innocent people who were at wrong places at the wrong times. Rookie agents, who were nothing but scared out of their minds at the sudden attacks.

And Agent Phil Coulson.

Your handler. Your mentor. Your friend.

Taking a shaky breath, you allow the darkness of Time Slip take you back.

_Suffocation, no breathing._

You wake up before Tesseract's activation. You're at the base, Coulson by your side. He's barking sharp orders at the nearby agents. You allow yourself a few moments to catch your breath, because seeing Coulson by your side shouldn't affect you this much.

"Agent Barton?"

You just grin easily at him. Then remembering your purpose, you tell him what needs to be done. "Hey Phil, I'm not going to watch the Tesseract tonight. It's just babysitting duty anyways, so ask some rookies or something, 'kay?"

He protests, but you're already gone. You hold tightly to your bow, your arrows already ready to go in your quiver on your back. Then you wait. It's something you're rather good at. Usually, you have a nest. You prepare everything you need up there and watch everything from somewhere high. But this time, you don't have the time to prepare a full nest. You just find yourself a high point, somewhere you'll be able to shoot Loki down from.

You consider cutting the tires, but then dismiss the idea. Doing so might trap others who can potentially get away. Instead, you sit in your nest, and play the waiting game. Usually, Coulson's on the comm with you, reminding you to keep radio silence. But for once the silence in the comm isn't because he's yelling at you. It's because there's no one there.

When the building gives a little shudder, you know that it's time. You count the ticks of an imaginary clock until Fury and Hill walks by. They pause and look at you for a bit. You grin back at them, giving a sloppy salute. The director just shakes his head and mutters something about crazy agents before going on, Hill hesitantly following him.

You nock an arrow and wait for the party. And just in time, they arrive. And without waiting for anything, you shoot at the man in the silly costume. You hit him in the junction between the shoulder armor and the chest plate. He looks up at you, those eerie green meeting your stormy blue-gray. Perfect. You're still grinning to yourself, nocking another arrow, when the gun shots start.

And you freeze.

Because it isn't a random agent that's shooting at you. It isn't a rookie agent, or some no-name agent, or even a scientist.

It's Phil Coulson.

With his hazy blue eyes, he continues to empty out his gun at you. And your pause is all he needs to nail you right in the left shoulder. You fall back and out of the nest. You land safely because you know how to land. You know to bend your joints, relax, and to roll on impact. But all of this is on reflex, because currently, there's a throbbing in your shoulder and frustration ripping your mind.

This isn't supposed to happen. Coulson is supposed to be helping with evacuations. He's supposed to be on a copter, riding away from the debris. He's supposed to be far away. He was supposed to have ordered some no-name rookie agent to watch over the Tesseract.

The escape from the exploding base is a blur. But you know the only reason you got out is because Maria Hill is there, supporting you. And the next thing you know, you're knocking at the Stark Tower, screaming, cursing, almost begging Stark to look at the fucking folder filled with information, because you're still beating yourself for letting Coulson get caught.

Seeing Natasha is worse. You had let Fury call her to interrupt her mission earlier, because you just didn't know how to face her. And even now, on the Helicarrier with Captain America and Bruce Banner behind her, you still don't know how to face her.

"Clint," she says. Her eyes are trained on your shoulder, where Coulson had not so kindly shot you. She must have been briefed on that earlier by someone else, because you sure as hell don't feel like filling her in.

Introductions are made and Loki is found. You think carefully. You know this. While Loki is causing trouble in Stuttgart, Germany, Coulson is probably stealing iridium. You jump into a Quinjet alone, orders be damned.

Finding Coulson is the easy part. It's the fighting that isn't so easy, especially with your injured shoulder. He easily distracts you with hand-to-hand combat, your guns on the ground at least thirty feet away (You didn't bring your bow and arrows because you knew you wouldn't be able to use it with your injury). In the corner of your eyes, you can see that someone else already escaped with the necessary part, but this is more important. You have to break Loki's hold on Coulson, because you don't want the guilt of attacking the Helicarrier to be on his conscious.

The struggle lasts for a while, but in the end, you overpower him, even with your shoulder. With a well-aimed punch against his head, you watch as his body goes limp. You tie his hands back and drag him back with you to the Helicarrier.

Fury is undoubtedly furious. He yells at you for what feels like hours, but you can't stop the loopy grin on your face, because guess what? You just saved Coulson. Things are going great. You've actually done something right! And this timeline is going to end up fine because Coulson isn't going to die. He's still stuck in the solitary confinement, and there's no way that Loki, who's stuck in Hulk's cage, can get to him.

Safe.

You've kept him safe. Now you just have to help everyone end the war.

What you don't expect is the boom. Coulson's here, but that doesn't mean others can't invade. And while that's distracting everyone, you run to the cage. You have to stop Loki from escaping. What you don't expect is to watch as Loki easily tricks Thor into going into the cage. What you don't expect is for your bullets to do little to no damage on the Trickster God. What you don't expect is for his eyes to meet yours again, and for him to give you a cocky upward curve of the lips.

What you don't expect is for Natasha to appear with a roundhouse kick aimed for the Asgardian. What you don't expect is for Loki to disappear. What you don't expect is for the spear to stake Natasha and for her to fall.

You empty your bullets on Loki, but it does little to no damage. You run to Natasha's side, your mouth moving a mile a minute, speaking, yelling, begging. You're by her side and she grips your arm painfully tightly.

"Don't you fucking lose," she hisses at you. "Don't let him win."

And you watch as the one person who's never given up on you disappears. You watch as she shudder to breath, struggle a little before, with a bitter smile, she gives up. She simply gives up.

You pull her close to yourself. You're aware of screaming, of shouting, of tears in your eyes. But there's something bitter and frustrating that invades your thoughts. In hopes of saving Phil Coulson, you killed the one other person who's seen your darkest side and still managed to pull you in tightly.

Well, there's only one thing to do, isn't there? You close your eyes and allow the darkness of Time Slip to swallow you.

_Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding._

You wake up further back. The day when Natasha leaves for Russia. You beg her to change the mission with you. You tell her to go with Coulson. Because Natasha is better and would be able to keep that man safe. And instead, you go to Russia for the mission.

In the middle of the mission, you get a phone call from Coulson. Natasha's been compromised.

You make quick work in Russia and go to pick up Doctor Banner, trying to fight off the guilt in your system. When you arrive at the good doctor's place, he looks at you, startled at first, then with reluctance. He sighs, wipes his hands, and asks you to follow him. He leads you to the outskirts of the town, probably his way of reminding you that he's a monster.

But really, are you any different?

"What do you want from me?" he asks.

"I need your help." And then you launch into the explanation as to why they need Doctor Banner, not the Hulk. You've memorized the words that Coulson had spoken over the phone. Something about gamma rays and what not, complete with the pictures of Tessearct on your phone. "Please," you tack on at the end, as if that would make him more likely to care.

"I'm a monster, agent. I'm more likely to harm than help."

"You're the only person in the world who can track down the Tesseract." You pretend that it's not desperation creeping into your voice. Because you know the importance of having Hulk, if not Banner, to fight against Loki.

"Why are you so insistent that it be me?"

"If there was anyone else, I would be there right now." You hesitate a little as he looks at you thoughtfully. "Please," you repeat. "They have… I need to find… She's-"

"I understand." And you pretended that it wasn't a look of pity on Banner's face.

He follows you back to the Helicarrier, where everyone is introduced. Then like clockwork, they find the match for Loki. But instead of going after Natasha like you did for Coulson, you are forced to drive the Quinjet for the good Captain. You don't hesitate to open fire at Loki, even going as far as to use knock-out gas function on one of the arrow tips. The Captain and the Iron Man glare at you (apparently their ego booster was snatched away by you), but you don't give a crap. Natasha is out there, working for this bastard against her will.

You jump at the chance to interrogate Loki. Coulson has a worried look on his face, but you have something bigger to work with. Soon, Natasha will be attacking the Helicarrier, and you're going to have to stop someone from dying. You pretend you're not clenching your fists when you walk in the room with the Hulk cage.

"Release Natasha from your mind-voodoo thing," is the first thing out of your mouth.

He raises an eyebrow at you. Because really? Mind-voodoo thing? That is the best you can think up? But then he's talking, and you push the nagging thought away.

"Why?"

Because it's invasive and wrong. Because she's Natasha and she's not supposed to be tamed by anyone. Because you've been there before and you never want anyone to suffer through it. Ever.

"Why not? You're pretty much done for. You might as well."

He just smirks at you, and you really wish the glass wall wasn't there because you want nothing more than to punch him in the mouth. Or shoot him with your arrows. Whichever one is more satisfactory.

"You think this is over?" he asks, his voice soft, low.

It's only because you've been his slave before that you recognize that tone. He wants to play. But you're in no mood for playing. Natasha needs to be freed. There's no time to waste.

You shrug, as if you don't give a crap what he says. He just laughs. Almost as if he's seen completely through you. And there's a bit of fear that whispers in your heart that maybe, just maybe, he has.

"You're rather interesting," he says. "Your whole entire planet is going to be doomed and you ask for the life of one woman? Is this love, Agent Barton?"

You know what Natasha would say to something like that. So excuse you while you snort at the thought of being in love with her. Loki looks a little confused at your reaction. But he can't understand. Of course not. Your relationship with Natasha is something that not even the smartest person on the planet can figure out. You yourself aren't quite sure if you know what it is either. Sometimes, you wonder if Natasha knows, or if she's just as clueless as you are, except she doesn't give a damn what label gets put on their relationship as long as it's not love.

"Not quite," you tell him. "It's more of… she'll kick my ass if she knew I allowed her to become this way."

Which is why you have to fix this as fast as you can.

"Aha. So that's why. That's why you've been messing with the time sequence! So until I let her go, you'll continue to travel to the past and make things 'right' again?"

Everything stops. No, it's not that everything stops. It's more that you're frozen. How does Loki know? How can he know? No one else knows about this. You've kept your mouth shut. Then how…? And you remember Natasha. Surely she couldn't have…?

"I see you're confused. Don't worry, I've figured it out for myself. I don't know about my slow brother, but as a God from Asgard, I can see the ripples in time here. We've already been through this situation number of times, haven't we? Except… Yes, that's right. It was your beloved Natasha in front of me before, begging for your life instead. Wait. She also begged for another man… Something about a Son of Coul?"

You can't breathe. There isn't enough air in the world to make your lungs work again. Loki _knows_ , and you feel so screwed because you know he's going to do his best to make this hard to fix. He's going to make it worse and laugh as you fall apart. Gods, you hate that laugh.

"My dearest hawk," he says with a purr. You shudder. You want to run, hightail out of there, but you don't know enough of what he's going to do, what he might do to you, to Natasha, to Coulson. "Why don't we play a little game?"

You should say no. You should just get out of there, orders be damned. You've done it before. But you can't make your feet move away. You're stuck, those green eyes forcing you to stay exactly where you are.

"It's a simple game. We'll repeat this. Over and over again. If your beloved Natasha or… who was that other one? Phil, was it?" He watches you tense, grinning all the while. "Ah, Phil then. If Natasha or Phil dies, then you have to start again. Over and over until you can't take it anymore. At that point, become mine. My toy, my slave, my poor broken little hawk."

"How do I win?"

The God of Mischief laughs. And you understand it without him saying anything more. There is no winning. There is only one end to the game: keep both Natasha and Phil alive before you lose your mind. Well that's fine, because that's what you were planning to do from the beginning anyways, Loki involved or not. The only catch is, if you become broken, Loki wins. Loki wins and it's going to be worse than the original time through, because Loki would be able to control time then.

"Good luck, my little bird."

And then the whole ship begins to shake, and you know that the ship is under attack. You curse softly under your breath; you've left your bow and arrows back in the science lab where Bruce and Tony are working, and all you have on you are two hand guns. You're going to have to leave Loki for a while. With one final glance at the Hulk cage, you run.

The hallways are filled with men in masks who are shooting everywhere. Too bad for them, you're a better marksman. You get to the science lab, not realizing that there is a hole in the ground. If you really think about it, you never really had the chance. You fall through and land on top of Banner.

"Oh hey man, I'm so sor-" Your apology is cut short when he throws you off of his back and you realize that something is most definitely wrong. Banner is groaning, his hands shaking as he growls lowly. And you try to back away because you've seen the footage of what happens to those in the Hulk's way. You manage to silently send away other personals.

You brought Banner into this. You have to take responsibility now and calm him.

"Doctor, control yourself! You're better than this!" you bark at him. "We need you in control, do you understand, Banner?"

It seems to be working, which is a surprise in all of itself. That is until your quiver filled with arrows tip over and falls all over the doctor, the pointy end sticking him all over his back. You gulp and prepare to run.

Luckily for you that you prepared, because the next thing you know, you're being chased around the basement of the Helicarrier by the Hulk. You dodge with ease, years of training really pays off! And then of course, maybe not. The next thing you know, the giant smacks you hard against the wall and you're out like a light.

You come to when you hear the sound of Hulk fighting against someone. A quick glance around assures you that everything else has been broken, battered, or somewhere in-between, and the battle is nowhere close to finishing. Then you freeze at who's battling whom, because Natasha's moving like a quick deadly spider against a giant clumsy bear. She's confusing the Hulk with her flexibility as well as her nimbleness.

There's not even much for you to do because the Hulk smacks her hard into the ground, and you're sure that if she doesn't have a concussion, then she must secretly have had a dose of the Super Soldier Serum. The rest is clean up from there.

You're running towards the Hulk cage because you've done it. Coulson is safe and Natasha, despite having fought against the Hulk, is safe in the medical ward. Steve and Tony have gotten the engine back, and everything seems to be in tiptop shape again. Granted, Hulk did fall off, chasing after a plane that shot him, but that's a minor inconvenience.

"Take that Lo-"

But the words die in your mouth, because it's not Loki that's waiting for you. It's Fury, who's ordering Coulson to hang in there.

 _Fuck_.

You haven't changed anything. You didn't save anyone. Gritting your teeth in anger, you close your eyes and let the darkness of Time Slip overtake you.

_Do you even care if I die bleeding?_

You wake up in the make-shift nest on the high rise. Down below, the Tesseract is reacting and you know what you have to do this time. This time, you're going to let it almost go the exact same way. Because this time, you're going to try and throw off the mind-control without Natasha's blow to the head.

After all, Selvig managed something similar didn't he? Then why the hell can't you do it?

With that set as your determination, you allow yourself to fall back into Loki's control. But the God has other plans for you. And you kick yourself later for not seeing this coming, because really, what the hell, Clint? How could you have not seen it?

You wake long enough to see your handiwork. Natasha's in front of you, broken, bleeding. Both her hands are above her head, held in place by a knife, spearing through both her hands and the wall; it causes your stomach to churn in recognition, because only one person has that knife. And that person is you. You have yet another knife in your hand and it's currently lodged in Natasha's heart. She's long dead by the time you awake from Loki's hold, and all you want to do is scream and tug at your hair.

You do one step better. Before the trickster God can take you again, you close your eyes and slip back to the darkness of Time Slip.

_Would it be wrong, would it be right?_

You wake up before the Tesseract misbehaves again. Except this time, you keep Coulson to yourself and refuse to let him anywhere near the artifact. You keep him and you far away, so that when the Tesseract misbehaves, it's not you or Coulson that's caught in the mind-control.

It's Fury.

And all you can do is curse at your stupid, idiotic plans, because this doesn't fix anything either, and now you've went and lost the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. to a lunatic wannabe-king. Hill tries to take over the best she can, but it's obvious that she holds no candle to how Fury handles things. She orders for Coulson to get Iron Man, for Natasha to get Doctor Banner, and for you to retrieve Captain America.

You're sure that Coulson is pouting when he hears that.

"Captain," You acknowledge as you walk into the gym, late at night. "Couldn't sleep?"

"I've slept for 70 years, Agent," he tells you with an easy smile. "I don't think I need more sleep." He then straightens himself away from the punching bag and holds out a hand to you. "I'm Steve Rogers, but I suppose you already know that. You're with S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

You nod. "Agent Barton. Captain, we need your help."

And you hand over the papers and the rest should have been simple except it never is. Because even after all of that, the timeline doesn't change. Because even with you partnered with Natasha with Coulson's backing, you guys still aren't a match for Nick Fury.

The director kills without hesitation. Instead of staying to watch him destroy your friends, you force yourself to calm down long enough for the darkness of Time Slip take you away.

_If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might._

You wake up before Natasha goes off to Russia again. Trading the missions is the easy part. The harder part is convincing her to not watch over the Tesseract. But by the time you're on the plane and in Russia, she's convinced, and you're sure that she's not going to be compromised this time.

But then the stupid God of Mischief waves his pointy spear and the next thing you know is that you're getting a phone call from Natasha in the middle of your mission. Coulson's been compromised.

And despite having Natasha by your side, you're no match for the Hulk. You watch helplessly pinned under the giant green foot as Coulson shoots Natasha in the heart.

You allow the darkness of Time Slip to ease the bitterness.

_Mutilation out of sight, and I'm contemplating suicide._

You wake up and this time, purposefully allow Coulson to be the one to be mind-controlled. You allow things to happen the way they should, and when it's time for Coulson to attack the Helicarrier, you take your arrows and go to kill Loki.

What you don't expect is to be tricked into walking into the Hulk cage, trapped as you watch Thor get speared. The Thunder God throws his head back and roars; he brings his hammer forth and slams down, aiming for Loki. But Loki is the God of Mischief. He's a master of illusions. The mirage that was Loki disappears and Natasha is standing there, eyes wide and guns up.

She has no chance against Mjolnir. And you watch in sick fascination as your best friend is literally crushed like a bug in front of you.

Cursing both loudly and mentally, you call upon your Time Slip until darkness surrounds everything.

' _Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind._

You wake up before Natasha leaves for Russia and convince her to drop that mission. Maybe if you have her by your side when you take on Loki everything will be fine. So it's with her by your side, ready with her guns, when the Tesseract misbehaves. And when Loki comes, both of you open fire, Fury be damned.

What you don't expect is for Loki to deflect your explosive arrows. And for that to go flying towards Nat. On normal occasion, this isn't a problem. She would just deflect it and return to fighting. But this isn't a normal occasion. Because as soon as she dodges the arrow, Loki's right there to slice her through. He lets her body fall to the ground, laughing merrily.

"Try again, little Hawk!"

And you do. The darkness of Time Slip grabs hold of you and takes you back.

_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine._

You wake and swear to yourself that you're not going to let this continue. You're going to make this work this time.

And yet you end up staring blankly at the sight of Captain America being pierced by Loki's spear as Natasha shoots down Nick Fury. You watch as Coulson jumps in front of the shot meant for you from your partner. Before the bullet plunges through his brain, you close your eyes and whisk yourself away in the darkness of Time Slip.

_I never realized I was spread too thin._

You wake up and this time, Agent Maria Hill is the one to fall victim to Loki's mind-control. It takes everything in you to not shoot the demi-God the moment you see him. It takes everything in you to not scream, because Hill takes a careful aim and shoots down Coulson with calculated ease.

Loki's laugh ring in your ears long after Time Slip takes you back.

' _Till it was too late, and I was empty within._

You wake up wishing you can just shoot everyone around you. At least that way, none of them would die because of Loki. You bite your thumb, seriously considering cutting all the tires now. Then you get a better idea.

Rushing over to the main computer center, you waste no time sending out a massive email to everyone. It tells everyone to take a vacation, complete with the S.H.I.E.L.D.'s stamp of approval. Within hours, the whole base is in an uproar, because everyone is literally just packing up and leaving.

Coulson isn't happy when he finds you in the computer lab.

"What are you doing?"

"Saving everyone."

And just like that, the pulsing starts and the misbehaving of the Tesseract starts. But now all you have to do is trap Loki here, let everything explode, because by then, everyone else would have gone far away. You grab your bow and arrow, ready to shoot down Loki here and now. You're grinning the entire way through, because finally, you've done it: You've fixed the mistakes. You're going to make it better.

Then Loki reminds you again why you hate that man's guts. He just laughs at you, dodging and reflecting your arrows, until he's close enough to take you again. And the next time you're free, it's to the feeling of Coulson's broken body in your arms, five arrows sticking from his chest.

"Phil," you whisper softly, disbelieving. But there's only one person in the whole world that uses arrows as their primary weapon, and that's you.

"Welcome back, Barton," he says gruffly, his voice hoarse. "Do me a favor? Get Cap to sign my cards. I asked, but he never got the chance…"

Fuck it all.

You can't watch him die again. So you let yourself loose in the darkness of Time Slip.

_Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin._

You wake up screaming in frustration. Everyone gives you a wide berth.

"Barton?" Coulson asks, looking at you with a frown. "Would you like to take the day off?"

You nod slowly, knowing what's going to happen. Loki's going to take over Coulson again, and most likely, Natasha is going to die. Well fuck that. You aren't going to let that happen. So you do your best to stand oppose to the Trickster God, your arrows nocked and ready to go.

Except this time, it's Coulson who is killed as well as controlled. You punch the desk of the briefing room, surprising everyone there. Fury is eyeing you wearily and Natasha has her head buried in her arms. The captain stares at the bloodied cards. The damned bloody cards that you and Natasha worked hard to help collect, because Coulson wanted to have the whole goddamned set and now all they have left is the cards.

You leave the room and head towards the darkness of Time Slip.

_Downward spiral, where do I begin?_

You wake up and convince Coulson to take the mission instead of Natasha. They both raise their eyebrows, but when they notice your urgency, your desperation, they reluctantly agree. And with Natasha by your side again, you come up with a better plan. You're not just going to shut down that creep of a God; you're going to rip him apart.

Natasha is positioned at the doorway, blocking the escape to the cars. You take your position on the top of the rafters in your nest, bow and arrow ready.

When Loki steps through, you fire. He reflects them back to you. You easily dodge them. And for fuck's sake, you refuse to get caught by him, refuse to let others get caught. When Loki taps others with his spear, you shoot them dead, ignoring the shouts from Fury. Who the fuck cares about casualties and shooting your brainwashed allies? Loki is going to take over and try to kill everyone. You can't let that happen. Not again, never again.

You've seen it too many times to let it continue.

You shoot down the Trickster God, finally knocking him out of commission. A short breathy laugh escapes your mouth. You did it. You finally made it.

Few days later, you kneel in front of Natasha's broken body as Coulson, who for once is having a hard time to stay calm, is informing you that New York is overran with alien hostiles from outer space. You've been discharged from S.H.I.E.L.D. and put into a solitary holding, so you haven't been kept up to date by any information. And you realize that this is more terrible than before because it's Nick Fury.

Nick Fury, who had gathered the Avengers in the original timeline, betrayed Earth to the Chitauri. And because there is no Loki, no threat, no Nick fucking Fury, no one gathered the Avengers together.

Earth is doomed. Natasha is dying in front of you. Coulson is giving up. You're stuck inside a confined prison cell. There's no hope, nothing left. You fucked up again. And despite being dead, you can hear Loki's taunts in the back of your mind, reminding you of your failures, reminding you that all of this can end if you just let go and-

Growling in frustration, you Time Slip into the darkness again.

_No love for myself and no love for another._

You wake up and hug Coulson, which causes the man to raise an eyebrow quizzically at you.

"I don't want to do this anymore," you whisper into the man's suit. "I can't take this anymore."

He just takes you calmly down to medical, not questioning anything. You smile ruefully at him. "Sorry Coulson." Knocking out Agent Coulson is easier than you thought, particularly because you have the advantage of surprise with you. You order some random junior agents to drive Coulson far away from this base. Then you return to the main computer lab where you don't hesitate to send everyone home again with a fake email telling them to take a vacation.

With the base as empty as it's going to get, you confidently make your way to the Tesseract. Then you wait. You wait for the pulses and you wait for Loki to appear. When he does, you greet him with a grin, making it very clear to everyone else in the room that you want to talk to this madman.

"Hey there Loki. Ready to die?" You nock an arrow and aim it at him, but don't fire. "Any last words?"

"Really Barton?" Loki asks, looking at you as if you were a little child who needs to be soothed. "You think you've done it this time?"

"Let me see. Nat's in Russia. Coulson's off-base. Most of the people on this base have already been off for a while now. I'm sure Fury's too badassed to be killed by what I'm about to do. And I trust Agent Hill to get out. Yeah. I say things are in tiptop shape this time."

"Are you sure?"

You look at him confused, not quite getting it. Because Natasha and Coulson are safe. What else mattered? But Loki just grins and says, "Fire away, little Hawk. Your misery is rather amusing."

Worry nags at the back of your mind, but you've taken Loki down before. So you don't hesitate to fire your arrows. You hit him in the knees, then the arms. This should hold the guy down long enough for the explosion. You smirk down at him before evacuating everyone. But you stay.

Of course you'll stay. Like hell you'll leave here and let the pasts be repeated. But instead of panicking and begging for you to spare his life, Loki just smirks at you.

"Poor little hawk, forced to go through the same events, again and again. Remembering all the horrors you've seen in each one!" Loki laughs, and it echoes in the empty room. "Why don't you just give up already? Surrender to the freedom I offer you!"

You tell yourself to ignore him. You make a point of ignoring him. In fact, you sit on top of his stomach as part of the effort to ignore him. "Lalala!" you sing to yourself. "I can't hear you!"

Then your comm crackles to life and a voice that you've heard too many times to not recognize is on, shouting orders at you.

"Hawkeye, what the hell are you doing? Get out of there!" Coulson.

Ah. So he must be awake now. You smile gently at the thought. "Don't worry a single hair on your balding head, Coulson! I got this."

"Agent Barton, if you aren't coming out, I'm going in."

"No!" You shout, but you know it's futile. Coulson's coming in. But Coulson's just going to get caught by the blast, just like you and Loki are, if the increasing pulses are any indication.

Loki laughs. "Your friends are oh so loyal! Thanks to them, you're going to end up repeating this game forever more! You will never get it right! And look at you, already so broken. Why don't you take a little rest as my-"

You nock an arrow and fire it between his eyes. Not that it matters, because you know what you have to do. You close your eyes and will away this existence. Time Slip takes you back to the darkness.

_Searching to find a love upon a higher level._

You wake up and manage to keep Coulson, Hill, and Fury from being brainwashed. But that doesn't matter, because you find that Captain America has slipped into a coma (something about his body being unable to adopt to 21st century), Banner has gone Hulk in the middle of India (Nat hasn't looked so bruised and annoyed since Budapest), and there's no fucking way for any of you to stop Loki's herd of aliens as they crawl around New York, destroying citizens, agents, and those you swore to protect.

You activate Time Slip before an alien can strike you and allow yourself to fall into the darkness.

_Finding nothing but questions and devils._

You wake up and ask for Natasha to not go to Russia again. This time, Agent Hill is compromised. Everything goes to hell when Coulson ends up in the Hulk cage that falls to the pointy rocks below, and Natasha is shot by Loki.

It's not working. Nothing's working and all you want to do is jump after Coulson. Finish this. As long as you do so, Loki won't end up having you as his plaything, right?

But you have a mission to accomplish. With a muffled moan, you let the darkness of Time Slip claim you.

_Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind._

You wake up and Phil Coulson is compromised. You have Natasha at your back, but things don't change. They don't fucking change. Natasha's in the Hulk cage this time. Coulson's the one who pushes the button to release the cage. Fury puts Coulson down. Nothing changes the deaths.

You Time Slip into the darkness.

_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine._

You wake up and this time, it's you who's compromised. You fight it every step of the way, but Loki is becoming creative. You shoot Coulson with your arrows and watch as Natasha is squashed by the Hulk.

Loki's still mocking you when you call upon Time Slip and lunge into the darkness.

_I'm running and I'm crying._

You wake up and waste no time with your bow and arrow. This has gone for too long. This insanity that repeats over and over again with no one but Loki as your tormentor. So you do the next best thing.

The minute Loki appears, you tackle him down and pull out your knife. You stab him multiple times, again and again, enjoying the feel of blood as it splatters all over you. Take that, you think to yourself. Take that and go to fucking hell and stay away and-

"Violent, aren't you, my little Hawk?"

You freeze because Loki is standing behind you, amused and gleeful. Your eyes move slowly down to the body of the one you've been stabbing. For once you wish your eyesight wasn't perfect, because you can see every detail, see every wound, ever blood splatter.

"Coulson," you whisper softly. It makes no sense. Coulson should be upstairs, not here. Why is he here? How can this be?

"Give up already," Loki whispers as he strokes your head. "Your fragile mortal mind can't last."

But you're nothing if not stubborn. So you push him away and fall into the blessed darkness of Time Slip.

_I can't go on living this way._

You wake up and things are starting to fall into places. You think you got the hang of this now. Natasha's the one to be compromised this time, but that's okay. Because you go and break her out of it really quickly. And afterwards, you take your arrows and explode the ship of doom that would have torn everyone apart.

It's welcoming to go through this with Natasha by your side and Phil on the comm. It's also rather welcoming to have a team, although most of them still can't stand one another. Loki doesn't say a thing this time. Just glances at you with knowing smiles. And it takes Stark all the genius of three hours to realize that it's his tower they need to get to, only because he won't believe it when you tell it to him. The three hours were really spent trying to convince him why it's the Stark tower.

By the time the whole team gets there, you're all a little late. The aliens are attacking. The team fights back. And you're proud to say that compared to the original timeline when the Helicarrier exploded, this timeline is faring much better on the life-saving scale. But there's still something holding them back because guess what? In the original timeline, Coulson's death was their rallying point. In this timeline, there's no rallying point, just big egos that don't want to take orders from each other.

But no one else knows about the original timeline. No one else knows about the multiple attempts you made by yourself to get to this timeline. Because the council decides that they're going to stomp this party out and sends in the nuke. Because the team is still arguing with one another instead of stopping the invasion.

Stark doesn't make it in time.

You close your eyes and become swallowed by Time Slip's darkness before the nuke can take out New York.

_Cut my life into pieces._

You wake up and you twist and turn until you think you've managed to make this work out. You're in the cage that was meant for Hulk. But that's okay. For once, that's all okay.

Thor has Loki in his arms, and Natasha aims the giant gun at the God of Mischief's head. They've done it. They're working together as a team. Loki had already admitted to where the Tesseract and Dr. Selvig is; Iron Man and the Captain had already left to take care of it. Bruce (or was it Hulk? You don't quite remember whether the good doctor has changed back or not) is on the other side of the ship, taking care of left over minions of Loki with the help of Fury and Hill. Everything's fine.

Everything is finally the way it should be. They're working together as a team. No one's compromised any more. Loki is stopped. Everything's well and you don't have to worry about Loki's game anymore. Everything's fine.

Everything but one.

"I can't get it to close!" Coulson shouts, smashing his fists at the console in dismay. He looks desperately at you, and you can't quite understand the strange almost-strangled expression on his face. "I can't stop it."

The ground below the cage is wide open. Has been for a while now. You aren't worried. You're rather content with everything this time around. You can't stop the grin that spreads across your face.

"Clint!" Natasha shouts. She's glancing over at you, but she can't quite take her eyes off of Loki. Good for her. She's not neglecting her training. Not even for you.

Loki cackles madly. There are other words that are thrown around. But you can't hear anything. All you see is that everything is finally fucking perfect. There's anguish in their faces, but you can't phantom why. They've won. They've done it. They've stopped the upcoming war. They've captured Loki, and the Tesseract will soon follow.

Best of all, Phil Coulson isn't dead. Natasha isn't dead. No one else is dead or hurt or _compromised_ , they just saved a lot of lives by avoiding the war in New York, and the Helicarrier is mostly in one piece.

You laugh. Because really, in this kind of clichéd story, there's only one ending, right?

The cage drops. You close your eyes and welcome the touch of death's icy fingers upon you.

_This is my last resort._

You don't wake up.


End file.
